Dear Great Satan America

As you may or may not know, the president of Iran wrote us a letter today. The sheer absurdity of it all defies description, but since snide remarks are one of my specialties, I decided to provide you with the letter complete with my commentary. My comments are in bold, as if you needed that explanation. It's pretty long, so bear with me:

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful
O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers.

Noble Americans,

Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration (Yes, because before Bush was president, there were no wars in the region) as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries? (Excuse us for raining on your authoritarian, iron-fisted, unjust parade.)

Were the American people not God-fearing, truth loving, and justice seeking, while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities; (You mean like how there's no free press, politicians must be approved by religious leaders and dissenters are tortured to death? Oh wait, that's your country...)

And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity; (You could start by letting religious minorities, you know, live. And then maybe consider letting them practice their religion without being, you know, tortured to death. And then maybe think about giving women rights. Sort of a human dignity 'starter kit.')

Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you.
While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart, we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings, (I'm just going to go ahead and assume you don't mean Jews, as you don't really consider Jews to be human beings) have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together. (No, I'm pretty sure it was the oil and your repeated threats to our allies. Otherwise we couldn't care less.)

Both our nations are God-fearing, truth loving and justice seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection.

Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion, empathy, respect for the rights of human beings, securing justice and equity, and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies. (Again, you must not be talking about Jews, given how you as recently as last week called for the destruction of Israel, which would constitute about five million Jews.)

We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need.

We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings.

We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, (Ok now you're talking about the Jews...)and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty.

The pure human essence of the two great nations of Iran and the United States testify to the veracity of these statements.

Noble Americans,

Our nation has always extended its hand of friendship to all other nations of the world. (Except Israel, which you apparently don't consider a real country. Nor Iraq, when you were at war with it for about a decade.)

Hundreds of thousands of my Iranian compatriots are living amongst you in friendship and peace, and are contributing positively to your society. (And the second they set foot back in Iran, they will be thrown in jail and tortured to death.) Our people have been in contact with you over the past many years and have maintained these contacts despite the unnecessary restrictions of US authorities. (You mean like making sure they're not planning acts of terrorism? Yeah, totally unnecessary.)

As mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world.

We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. (The who?) Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine. (The Jews are making it harder on themselves?) In broad daylight, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians (who are being used by terrorists as human shields), bulldozing houses (of said terrorists), firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys (who throw rocks at them), and subjecting their families to endless grief.
No day goes by without a new crime.

Palestinian mothers, just like Iranian and American mothers, love their children (but less than they hate Jews), and are painfully bereaved by the imprisonment, wounding and murder of their children. (But celebrate when they blow themselves up in the name of Jihad) What mother wouldn't? (I'm guessing yours.)
For 60 years, the Zionist regime has driven millions of the inhabitants of Palestine out of their homes. (Might wanna check the math on that...) Many of these refugees have died in the Diaspora and in refugee camps. Their children have spent their youth in these camps and are aging while still in the hope of returning to homeland. (And driving all the Jews into the sea, or so says the charter of essentially every Palestinian organization.)

You know well that the US administration has persistently provided blind and blanket support to the Zionist regime, has emboldened it to continue its crimes, and has prevented the UN Security Council from condemning it. (Yeah, because the UN Security Council is an objective organization.)

Who can deny such broken promises and grave injustices towards humanity by the US administration? (Anyone with a reasonable thought process.)

Governments are there to serve their own people. No people wants to side with or support any oppressors. But regrettably, the US administration disregards even its own public opinion and remains in the forefront of supporting the trampling of the rights of the Palestinian people. (Again, what Palestinian people?)

Let's take a look at Iraq . Since the commencement of the US military presence in Iraq , hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed, maimed or displaced. (Might want to check that math, too.) Terrorism in Iraq has grown exponentially. (Thanks to the money from your country) With the presence of the US military in Iraq , nothing has been done to rebuild the ruins, to restore the infrastructure or to alleviate poverty. The US Government used the pretext of the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq , but later it became clear that that was just a lie and a deception. (Did you get Cindy Sheehan to help you with this letter?)
Although Saddam was overthrown and people are happy about his departure, the pain and suffering of the Iraqi people has persisted and has even been aggravated. (Again, because of the funds from your country.)

In Iraq , about one hundred and fifty thousand American soldiers, separated from their families and loved ones, are operating under the command of the current US administration. A substantial number of them have been killed or wounded (by bombs built and paid for in your country) and their presence in Iraq has tarnished the image of the American people and government. (Yes, because before we were in Iraq we were loved and adored by the rest of the world.)

Their mothers and relatives have, on numerous occasions, displayed their discontent with the presence of their sons and daughters in a land thousands of miles away from US shores. American soldiers often wonder why they have been sent to Iraq . (Yeah, it's called freedom of speech. You should try it.)

I consider it extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this military misadventure. (There are plenty that do)

Noble Americans,

You have heard that the US administration is kidnapping its presumed opponents (a.k.a. terrorist operatives) from across the globe and arbitrarily holding them without trial or any international supervision in horrendous prisons that it has established in various parts of the world. God knows who these detainees actually are, and what terrible fate awaits them. (Can't be any worse than the fate of religious minorities and political dissidents in your country)

You have certainly heard the sad stories of the Guantanamo and Abu-Ghraib prisons. (They embarrassed the terrorists! The humanity!) The US administration attempts to justify them through its proclaimed "war on terror." But every one knows that such behavior, in fact, offends global public opinion, exacerbates resentment and thereby spreads terrorism, and tarnishes the US image and its credibility among nations. (I don't even know where to begin with that one...)

The US administration's illegal and immoral behavior is not even confined to outside its borders. You are witnessing daily that under the pretext of "the war on terror," civil liberties in the United States are being increasingly curtailed. Even the privacy of individuals is fast losing its meaning. Judicial due process and fundamental rights are trampled upon. Private phones are tapped (that's perfectly legal...), suspects are arbitrarily arrested (like who?), sometimes beaten in the streets, or even shot to death. (That has nothing to do with the administration, that's just poor law enforcement decisions)

I have no doubt that the American people do not approve of this behavior and indeed deplore it.

The US administration does not accept accountability before any organization, institution or council. The US administration has undermined the credibility of international organizations, particularly the United Nations and its Security Council. (The UN undermines its own credibility by doing things like condemning Israel but ignoring blatant human rights abuses) But, I do not intend to address all the challenges and calamities in this message.

The legitimacy, power and influence of a government do not emanate from its arsenals of tanks, fighter aircrafts, missiles or nuclear weapons. (But it sure as hell helps) Legitimacy and influence reside in sound logic, quest for justice and compassion and empathy for all humanity. (Good thing we have both, huh?) The global position of the United States is in all probability weakened because the administration has continued to resort to force, to conceal the truth, and to mislead the American people about its policies and practices.

Undoubtedly, the American people are not satisfied with this behavior and they showed their discontent in the recent elections. (So you're saying you're a Democrat?) I hope that in the wake of the mid-term elections, the administration of President Bush will have heard and will heed the message of the American people.

My questions are the following:

Is there not a better approach to governance? (What, Sharia law? No thanks.)
Is it not possible to put wealth and power in the service of peace, stability, prosperity and the happiness of all peoples through a commitment to justice and respect for the rights of all nations, instead of aggression and war? (We'll do that just as soon as you and Kim Jong Il and all your other buddies stop developing nuclear weapons.)

We all condemn terrorism, because its victims are the innocent. (But you've got no qualms about funding terrorism, apparently)

But, can terrorism be contained and eradicated through war, destruction and the killing of hundreds of thousands of innocents? (That's the plan)
If that were possible, then why has the problem not been resolved? (Because you continue to teach your children to hate)

The sad experience of invading Iraq is before us all.
What has blind support for the Zionists by the US administration brought for the American people? (You're right, we should just abandon Israel because it upsets despots like you.) It is regrettable that for the US administration, the interests of these occupiers supersedes the interests of the American people and of the other nations of the world.

What have the Zionists done for the American people that the US administration considers itself obliged to blindly support these infamous aggressors? Is it not because they have imposed themselves on a substantial portion of the banking, financial, cultural and media sectors? (Yes, we're beholden to Israel because Jews control all the money, Hollywood and the media. Mr. Gibson, is that you?)
I recommend that in a demonstration of respect for the American people and for humanity, the right of Palestinians to live in their own homeland should be recognized so that millions of Palestinian refugees can return to their homes and the future of all of Palestine and its form of government be determined in a referendum. This will benefit everyone. (Except Israel. But they don't deserve to exist, right?)

Now that Iraq has a Constitution and an independent Assembly and Government, would it not be more beneficial to bring the US officers and soldiers home, and to spend the astronomical US military expenditures in Iraq for the welfare and prosperity of the American people? (Actually no, because we don't trust people like you with a vulnerable Iraq. And secondly, it's not the government's responsibility to ensure its citizens' prosperity) As you know very well, many victims of Katrina continue to suffer, and countless Americans continue to live in poverty and homelessness. (Right, and bringing home the troops from Iraq would solve all of that.)

I'd also like to say a word to the winners of the recent elections in the US : (Please, by all means...)

The United States has had many administrations; some who have left a positive legacy, and others that are neither remembered fondly by the American people nor by other nations. (Like Jimmy Carter's)

Now that you control an important branch of the US Government, you will also be held to account by the people and by history. (Which is why they will not be reelected.)

If the US Government meets the current domestic and external challenges with an approach based on truth and Justice, it can remedy some of the past afflictions and alleviate some of the global resentment and hatred of America . (Yes, if we just surrender to everyone else's demands, everyone will love us) But if the approach remains the same, it would not be unexpected that the American people would similarly reject the new electoral winners, although the recent elections, rather than reflecting a victory, in reality point to the failure of the current administration's policies. (Well, even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then...) These issues had been extensively dealt with in my letter to President Bush earlier this year. (Yes, because that was so influential in our policymaking.)

To sum up:

It is possible to govern based on an approach that is distinctly different from one of coercion, force and injustice. (I'm glad you can admit that. Now if you could just implement it.)
It is possible to sincerely serve and promote common human values, and honesty and compassion.
It is possible to provide welfare and prosperity without tension, threats, imposition or war. (That's great. I'll forward it along to Kim Jong Il.)
It is possible to lead the world towards the aspired perfection by adhering to unity, monotheism, morality and spirituality and drawing upon the teachings of the Divine Prophets. (Someone get the ACLU on the phone...)
Then, the American people, who are God-fearing and followers of Divine religions, will overcome every difficulty.

What I stated represents some of my anxieties and concerns. (Well I hope you feel better...)

I am confident that you, the American people, will play an instrumental role in the establishment of justice and spirituality throughout the world. (I'm pretty sure we already have, but thanks for the encouragement) The promises of the Almighty and His prophets will certainly be realized; Justice and Truth will prevail and all nations will live a true life in a climate replete with love, compassion and fraternity. (And without those pesky Jews, right?)

The US governing establishment, the authorities and the powerful should not choose irreversible paths. As all prophets have taught us, injustice and transgression will eventually bring about decline and demise. Today, the path of return to faith and spirituality is open and unimpeded.

We should all heed the Divine Word of the Holy Qur'an: (Ooh ooh, read the part about Jews hiding behind rocks and the rocks saying 'there's a Jew behind me, come and kill him!' I'm sure you have that page dog-eared.)

" But those who repent, have faith and do good may receive Salvation. Your Lord, alone, creates and chooses as He will, and others have no part in His choice; Glorified is God and Exalted above any partners they ascribe to Him. " (28:67-68)
I pray to the Almighty to bless the Iranian and American nations and indeed all nations of the world with dignity and success. (Except, of course, Israel. You can't pray for both its success AND its destruction, can you?)

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
29 November 2006